By Kerwin Holmes, Jr.
Immediately, someone will say “Wait, why not marital romance?” for the title. Well, I’m a Christian, and even with that, I don’t like to traffic in redundancies. Christian romance for the unmarried is intended to lead towards marriage, and Christian romance for the married remains only within their marriage. That’s all, folks.
Now that that’s out of the way:
[This will be one of the shorter posts, I reckon. I encourage you to fully immerse yourself in its content by clicking the hyperlinks.]
There is a disturbing tendency among Christian pastors to overcompensate for an error among Christians with transgressive and erroneous teaching. This is true particularly for men who pride themselves in saying “deep” statements on issues that they know greatly about or think that they know greatly about. Allow me to dispense with one teaching that is trending today. And that is in response to the horrendous modern “dating” culture (which is really just “playing the field” and not actually dating, which Christians have adopted due to the lack of sound teaching in this area because of the current malaise of malakia in the pastorate):
On a side note:
By the way, if you are one of those pesky Christians who are “playing the field,” or if you are tempted to do so, or browse persons on any of the modern dating websites (including the Christian ones), please check out this video resource (by a popular “conservative” social commentator) first before you do and also this one (by Pastor Voddie Baucham). If you’re really brave about your choice of decision, after watching those videos read their comments. Also, if you live within a responsible Christian community, such as a Church congregation, and are dating someone (especially within said community), please, for the love of God and Christian fellowship, live it out openly so that they may respect your boundaries and so you may respect theirs– especially if there are other eligible Christian singles around. Don’t be a hypocrite in the fellowship of God for the sake of your romantic comforts or whatever else you think that you are convincing yourself of doing. I suppose there I am speaking more to my fellow Baptists (but maybe not really). If your community needs to grow up and mature to handle that, then by all means, be the first to cast off the diaper. The Church cannot claim to be the bastion for marriage and then leave its people hanging out to dry for learning and living out how to get there. For the love of God, folks…
It is definitely horrendous hogwash that you should flee from, fellow Christians, if you ever hear any pastor or teacher tell you (should you desire to marry and should God plan marriage to be in your life) that God does not have a very particular person that He has already chosen for you. You can use this article as just one example of this erroneous thought being dispensed in the airwaves (which, of all people, unironically referenced Andy Stanley as an authority on this). Allow me to delve into why this teaching is dangerous for the Christian walk in numbered paragraphs.
1) It is horrendous that Christians, even in this holiday season of Christmas, for Christ’s sake, will even approximate dispelling such garbage as if the very genealogies that exist in relationship to the Incarnation event are either non-existent, unimportant, or serve as the ancient pastime equivalent of the People magazine relationship profiles.
2) There are entire books dedicated to the sovereignty of God in choosing spouses for particular people where the center of the very Biblical narrative itself is that God had particular people in mind to marry and brought it about by Himself. Was not Eve destined for Adam? Could there have been a Lilith? Did not Ruth marry Boaz, and how did that happen, O pastor? How ever did Esther find a husband, and why at such a time as that? Did it really matter that Joseph married Mary?
3) What pastors actually ought to attack, which is the principal concern, the actual concern, is the inaction and faithlessness of Christian singles that flow from their own transgressive attitude— in mirror to their pastor’s own erroneous posturing. God only gives us limited and feeble humans the commandment to develop within ourselves and to seek out in another of the opposite sex the godly qualities He mandates to be in our desired partner.
That is all.
If you notice the above trend from Scripture, which these teachers of the law neglect, the providential bringing together of two particular people is a realm that God has cordoned off to Himself and for Himself. Period. It is simply foolish for any Christian to believe to have the right or ability to transgress this. There is no magic 8 ball for you. Young man, pursue good women. Young women, attract good men. God Himself is faithful to bring about what He wants for you both, which will be for your good even though you both won’t understand everything.
So then, do not concern yourself with pairing yourself to “the one.” Trust God to do His duty by you doing yours: which is inculcating in your own nature and seeking out in theirs the qualities that God has told you to seek for marriage, and no more and no less. Worry about your own self first, then seek out a good, attractive Christian neighbor of the opposite sex who does the same.
That’s literally in the Scripture. I leave you to be diligent enough to find it (already have given you enough to get started on that). And if you’re diligent enough to obey this teaching, you will be diligent enough, easily, to pursue the Scripture for it.
It is shameful that even Reformed men who preach about God’s sovereignty have let this garbage slide from their tongues, and all for the sake of petty convenience— and these are oft married men with children at that. How such men say such things without feeling immediate, crippling shame at seeing the sovereignly designed faces of their young ones, or even their own wives, is beyond even me. But hey, there has been enough of this going around lately, this forsaking of uncomfortable truths for petty conveniences. This idea does not come from Plato nor from Socrates. It comes from the commandment of God when He made humanity by forming two particular people, brought them together, and gave them a job to do.
A friend of mine once sardonically asked me whether I believed that all humans needed to be married. I replied that in this side of life the norm is “yes,” and that the same was true of prelapsarian Adam in Genesis 2. He then retorted with a question for what Biblical support I would find to agree with me. Well, for one, there’s God. It’s right there in the text and God legitimately/literally spells it out for us in His revealed thoughts. And then for another, given the realities of human nature, all people who have ever been married or ever been born should be on my side. Another friend asked me once if marriage is even necessary for human life to flourish. Guys, really, I feel like we have hit a certain peak amount of surrealism when a fellow human being, conceived and born just as I was, is asking me in the spirit of Christian wisdom whether or not marriage is necessary for human flourishing. I mean, if wisdom is the objective and folly the avoidance, then we are somehow a long ways off. This is a lot like trying to land a rocket within a designated area of allied territory during a space expedition, only to find that you overshot your objective and have tragically entered into enemy space with flak going off all about you. Sure, you may be astounded at how so great an area of breadth could be missed by so tiny a rocket– after all, outer space is a very big place. Honestly…I would be surprised to find that the engines were still going.
This, all of this bull-crap surrounding romance/dating/marriage/childbearing and the like, all comes from the heretical tendency of Christians to see physical reality as “other than” the kingdom of God. Guys, it is the month of December when we remember the Incarnation of our Lord and God who was raised from the dead bodily and appointed as Messiah by the One who endorsed Him as Father– the Ruler of all the world…both heaven and earth. We need to destroy this functional gnosticism that has plagued the Church for far too long and reject Dualism, which pits the physical world against the spiritual world, or physical realities against spiritual realities. God is the Maker of both and He participates in both. He made us from both and for both, even as He became like us in that destiny. Even the Christ has His Bride.
Stop settling for convenient lies. Stop transgressing on God’s power. And stop using the world’s tactics for the pursuit of love. Is the Living God not also the God of Eros? Yes, yes He is. So stay in your own lane, but be brave enough to put the car into gear and obey His road signs, Christian.
Actually trust God for a change and be surprised at what happens.
The Reasoner's Corner 
What is Kerwin Holmes trying to say? That he can put together alot of fancy words, yet never make a point? Circling the drain, no meat on the bone- two ways to describe his wordy politician style rambling. He should read FB comments on THE CHRISTIAN POST.
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Thanks for commenting here on my blog.
It may be confusing to follow since it is long format and a lot of the clarification comes from when you would click on the resources that I have attached to this blog post (which I clearly said would be useful to explain things here).
But let me clarify with a brief rundown of the material here:
1) Christian pastors often overcompensate or over-correct when dealing with Christians committing errors so that what they eventually preach begins to slide into unbiblical teaching
2) In their Christian zeal to encourage Christians to trust God in seeking a spouse and to not worry about providing to themselves the spouse who is meant for them, many Christian pastors have slipped into the error of telling Christians that there really is *no* particular person that God has for them to marry. This makes the romantic search a hodgepodge of random engagements and makes room for Christians to not pursue romantic love in God-honoring ways.
3) Many Christians view physical reality and romantic desire in objectively negative ways, even in seeing them as outside of God’s kingdom and purposeful design. But God has clearly designed both from the beginning to be His good creation in this life.
Also, thanks for pointing out the Facebook comments online. I’ve noticed that they come from the same small cadre of people, some of whom like their own comments that they have written. At least one person appears to be a transgender activist. Others misrepresent what I wrote (never said that everyone is meant to marry, but some may not appreciate the meaning of the word “norm”).
My writing on this blog is meant to be a bit spicy, like Paul’s writing of Galatians, because of an earlier post that I wrote on this topic (which I referenced more than once here and can be found in the blog post before this one here on the website).
I’m open to specific criticism that could benefit me, though. So if you have critiques beyond your emotive responses to my writing, feel free to share.
God bless.
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So, do you believe that God has a specific “soulmate” out there for us? I’m just trying to make sense of what you’re saying here. If so, I have so many questions about that idea. (From the way you wrote this, I can’t quite tell where you fall on that debate, that’s all)
As far as I know the Bible doesn’t say anything about “soulmates” or “The One.” 1 Corinthians 7:39 also seems to indicate that we have the freedom to choose a spouse, as long as they’re Christian. Where, in the biblical examples you mention, does it say that God orchestrated all those marriages in those biblical stories? Is that explicitly stated? I mean, I know God told Hosea to marry one specific person? Did He explicitly say it the other times?
What if my spouse dies and I remarry? Does God have two soulmates for me?
I mean, sure, I get that God’s sovereign and all, but, as humans, we have no way to entirely understand this.
I just have questions about the whole “soulmate” idea, that’s all.
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With the use of the word “soulmate,” you refer to a very particular argument of human origins raised by a man named Aristophanes in Plato’s “Symposium.”
Now, you’ll probably be aware that of the several videos that I recommended in the previous post, one is a clip of Dr. Voddie Baucham delivering a sermon. I shared the clip because I agree with most what’s in the clip. In the sermon are some things I don’t agree with (such is life), but one of the things is Baucham’s arguments against the concept of “the one.” I understand today’s rage in arguing against that concept. But I don’t see the idea of there being a particular someone God has in store for you as the same thing as the idea of the “soulmate.” For one, few pastors, even the brainy ones, will ever have read the “Symposium.” I have read the passage in question in English (and a little in Greek) for my studies. It’s the idea that humans began as unisex spherical bodies of unified souls that were later split apart soul and body, with most going as female souls to female bodies and male souls to male bodies, with some variations of miss-match, and that life is a quest to find that person who is the other part of your soul and body, hence “soulmate.” It’s a pretty grotesque way to argue for love. But Aristophanes, who was the speaker for this idea in the story, had a strong stomach.
You may also be aware that Dr. Baucham also believes in what he would call “divine sovereignty,” which is the idea that God orchestrates all events to His purposes, even the very decision of salvation for each human being, whether they accept or deny Him. We don’t have to get too far into that. But you can probably see the logical problem here.
If God has a hidden hand in all human affairs such that nothing happens that He doesn’t orchestrate and allow, then doesn’t that mean, for Baucham’s view, that God necessarily has someone out there for us should it be His will that we as a person get married?
But we don’t need any of that, actually. Let’s get at it from different angles:
The Bible is clear that God designed us all the way from our souls to our bodies, from the very designs and designations of our hair shades and tones to our personalities and quirks. God designed them all and knits us together in the womb of our mothers (Psalm 139:13-14, Zechariah 12:1, Jeremiah 1:5, etcetera).
But that necessarily means that God designed our genes. And we know now by the science which reveals the mechanisms of our current existence that God’s hand must operate from the grounds of who our parents even are, and their parents, and so on to ultimate regression. In fact, Paul said it best at the level of macrocosm for nations in Acts 17:26-27. So then, if that is the case that God designs us, and that means that God’s designs must, given His set up of sexual reproduction in our race, designate who our parents are, then He must be responsible to bring married couples together in the first place— even though they really are choosing one another. We see this in the very form of the first wedding, where God didn’t just create generic male and generic female, but He created Adam the person and from him Eve the person, from both of whom we are all children. Those are two very particular people.
What God has brought together let no man separate.
But there’s another step, which I included here, and that’s in the divine Sonship of Christ in the Incarnation. Christ needs to be descended of David, yet the rightful lineage of Jeconiah which was cursed to never have a descendant by birth upon his father David’s throne.
That’s a problem, except that sonship by adoption in the Bible is just as valid as by birth. Now Joseph was the rightful heir to King David at the time of Christ, but he was a descendant of Jeconiah. And so no offspring from his loins could become king. And yet still, Joseph’s birthright necessarily passed to his firstborn son.
But Jesus was not blood born by Joseph, but adopted, as He was the son of Mary, and Jesus was their firstborn son as Joseph and Mary were both without children at that time. Later, Jesus’s siblings were born to Joseph and Mary. But that very lineage, first by line of clan heads and kingly succession in Matthew and then by birth and adoption father to son in Luke, is chock-full of providential marriages where the line had to continue: people, male and female, had to survive pestilence and war and rumors and rivalries and murder attempts in order to sire/birth children.
This is already waxing long, but by means of your own example we have Ruth in the Bible whose first husband died, but whose death providentially brought her to Boaz. And there cannot be a solid argument that God did not orchestrate Ruth of Moab to marry Boaz of Judah. Even more so, when later their great grandchildren flee the Israelite King Saul on behalf of their descendant David, in 1 Samuel 22, David used his ancestral ties with Moab to send his father and mother to to safekeeping with the King of Moab while he remains on the run from his own nation’s armies.
That all takes a lot of micromanaging of marriages and births for God to create that story. And yet, the humans all lived freely to do as they did. Their freedoms did not have the conspiring power to thwart God’s own narrative design. In fact, God’s design and hidden plan is brought about by their actions— and even in a way of blessing to the actors if they chose to behave in obedience to Him. “We know that all things work out for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
So, any way you approach it, yes, hidden in God, should it be His will, is His wife for you.
But the secret things belong to our God. What is hidden is for the Holy One. What is revealed is to us. So don’t try to figure out who she is. Just do what God says for you to do, which is to trust God.
All Adam had to do was finish naming the animals and stewarding them and then sleep, and boom, when he awoke the wife he desired was there, Eve the mother of all of us who are living today.
Clearly Esther was destined to marry Xerxes, a story which, like Ruth, has clear evidence of God’s hand without it explicitly being so.
And clearly Mary and Joseph were meant to be together.
Just acknowledge and trust God in His lane, and you stay out of His lane. Stay in yours. Be faithful and trust in God. And if it is in His will, yes, the testimony of Scripture is that He will not only bring her to you, if He desires you to be married, but He will grant you the little ones whom He sovereignty designs to create by the power of His might, the same as He created you.
It has nothing to do with finding your missing soulmate. It has everything to do with God as the Good Storywriter and Keeper of Promises and Good Father.
And if it isn’t His will, as I said in the previous post, and you die tragically or something else befalls, should you pursue it in godly trust (faith), you will have by no means wasted your time anymore than a man wastes his time building his life up though he is destined to die. Such is life itself in mortality, and God has made it wonderful. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Focus upon today. And get out there and pursue good women as you are able and godly to do.
Find one who loves God first and then you. And settle down, and enjoy the last vestige of Paradise, with its wonders and struggles and creativity and calls to growth, that God has graced us to still have this side of Eden.
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OK, interesting.
I tend to use “The One” and “soulmate” interchangeably, to describe the idea the God controls who we marry.
You seem to be getting at the idea that marriage is part of God’s design for humanity. And, yeah, that makes sense. When God created the Earth He said it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and He then created a helper for him. Of course, then they rebelled, and sin entered the world, and the human experience got all screwed up. Yes, God said it wasn’t good for the man to be alone, even when the world was perfect, and he created someone specifically for Adam. That sort of thing amazes me. But, of course, this was before sin came, and the human experience got all screwed up.
I’m sure the presence of sin in the world has destructive effects on the pool of available marriage partners. I’ve often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are men. If that’s the case, it means not everyone will find a marriage partner, no matter how much they want to. When Jesus talks about celibacy, he mentions eunuchs who were made that way “by other men.” Apparently, for some, singleness is a circumstance that’s forced on them against their will, rather than it being “God’s plan for their life.”
Does God still bring people together in marriage in the post-Eden world? Sure, maybe. I don’t want to say what God can or can’t do. But when Paul talks about marriage and singleness, he seems to say that we have a choice in the matter.
I don’t know if God has a wife for me, of if I can count on some sort of explicit promise or guarantee. Like you said, it might not be His will. But, yes, I sure hope so.
Thanks for that encouragement at the end, though. A lot of the advice I usually get about this is to just “wait” and be “patient” and be “content,” etc., etc.
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