By Kerwin Holmes, Jr.
It is not permitted to live fully without hardships.
It is impossible to have hope without the legitimacy of uncertainty.
It is not possible to love without the responsibility of risk.
Given the previous post, I feel that there is a necessity to provide a third chapter in the discussion on how one ought to orient one’s spirit towards finding a spouse. I realize that a great deal of time has passed since that last post was written. There is a purpose for it, as always, and this time the purpose is the simple and usual suspect: I have been occupied with handling my own affairs outside of this platform. But, that being the case, the idea of turning this little dyad of posts (specifically, the previous two) into a completed trilogy first entered into my mind at the end of last year. Indeed, the title itself came to me while I was giving another young man some words of encouragement. A statement that stuck out that evening as I was imparting some words intending to comfort was the sure and trustworthy statement: “Trust. God is the Giver of good gifts.”
Often times in life, as we approach a new setting or come to a watershed moment, trepidation seizes us and holds us fastened to the pavement. Even taking a step backwards can seem daunting in those moments. But everyone experiences them. They can be found when one is first filling out a job application, getting ready for a cross-country race before the signal is given, applying to an academic program beyond high school, approaching a person of romantic interest, or holding your spouse’s hand as you both await the birth of your first child. That list isn’t exhaustive. But the point of the fact that it isn’t exhaustive points to another truth:
Life is chock-full of these moments of trepidation.
This is not to say that all moments of trepidation are the same, and this is not a post that addresses all of them. I am particularly interested in addressing the trepidation that comes with seeking out a romantic partner, or a spouse. In today’s age, there is a lot of confusion and uncertainty concerning whether we are to seek a spouse and even how to go about doing so. The media is inundated with gurus and coaches, both men and women, who give their preferences and dating advice, or even those who do exposing videos and video responses to what they perceive as bad relationship habits and bad counsel. If you want to get dating advice, there is plenty to receive.
Unfortunately, in terms of practical wisdom and application, there is not a lot of quality insight being provided relative to the materials that are being shared. This is in part due to the fact that our culture in the West largely does not see the necessity of the marriage bond. Heck, our culture isn’t even aware anymore of what a marriage actually is and Who gave it to us as His gift for life (and for life in more ways than one).
Look, I am not here to sit and wag the finger at you, faithful reader, and to state that whatever media you choose to consume regarding the marital pursuit is of bad quality. I honestly don’t have the ability for that and do not have the time for that. I do encourage you to investigate and to interrogate your sources (even this one! this is, after all, the reasoner’s corner). One should always inspect the advice and counsel that they receive.
But the post previous to this was my “Galatians letter” of sorts that was meant to address ways in which our lackadaisical theology enables our trepidation for pursuing marriage. The post prior to that was my heartfelt appeal to Christians and to their pastors to overcome the trepidation of the very discussions surrounding romance and to begin to take these realities seriously– as seriously as God takes them throughout His interactions with our race (even as documented in Scripture). This post focuses upon the aspect of seeking out a relationship which I actually have already mentioned– namely, that when we are seeking out a relationship we are embarking upon a quest to prepare ourselves in receiving something we can faithfully and honestly hope to receive. We are entrusting ourselves to receiving a gift from God the Giver of good gifts.
I’ll tell one more story (which I think will be an added encouragement to many who read this) before ending with the main point. A young friend of mine reached out to me after having gone through a bit of a dry spell in terms of not being in a relationship. I can personally attest that the experience has allowed him to grow so that he has new capacities to extend grace towards others who are struggling in this area. But, be that as it may, the road can be dark at times. I told him the same thing which I tell myself, and that is the same thing that I give to you now:
In Matthew 7, we are told by the God-Man that we should ask God and seek from God things which we desire. Now, this is not to say that we ask anything evil from God, nor is it that God is actually a cosmic genie. God does whatever God wants. The follow up point emphasizes God when Jesus says “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” The point is not that you’re asking, but rather that God knows what He is doing and cares for you (assuming that you are His child, Christian that you are), to give to you what is good for you. In my first post which was an appeal, I stated that the desire to be married and to start a family is a God-given desire. It is a natural process along the life of the vast majority of humanity. It is the norm.
And with this comes a faithful and trustworthy saying: it is just and righteous and even an expectation from God Himself, based upon Jesus’s teachings in Matthew 7, that you operate your life under the hope that God will provide the good satisfaction to that marital desire that He has placed within you. Just as you, even as evil as you are, would not abuse or misuse the trust of your loved ones when they come to you for favors that you have for them, even more does the Perfect God of the Universe, Who needs no thing, desire to gift to you the fulfillment of the godly desire that He has placed within you.
There will be risks to take. There will be moments of trepidation. There will be struggles, and there will even be heartbreak and hard times even when you are with the person that God has gifted to you. But, as we have seen earlier, such is life. It is foolish to be paralyzed by the inevitable. With each moment of trepidation comes a new opportunity to overcome and to mature into a better human being. With every moment of greatest fear comes the opportunity for greatest bravery.
And this is the charge that the Christ gives us on our journeys, and in particular for application in this case, for our journeys in finding that suitable spouse to live the rest of our life’s adventures with.
To that, Jesus actually ends the lesson on a curious saying that segues into the next batch of teaching. It may seem out of place, but it actually isn’t out of place when we consider that all of His commands are designed to make us more like Him so that we may also know what is good to ask Him for, and so that in asking God we actually receive.
Jesus ends the particular lesson about God being the Giver of good gifts by saying: “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Trusting in God to be who He claims to be and reliantly living that way trains us to be that way towards others. And in beginning to treat others with the same graciousness that we both already receive and desire to receive from God (for we all have good gifts from Him, the greatest is life itself), we complete the cycle of the lesson.
In this way, even for those of us in dry spells, as we grow and become more like God in our searching and learn to trust the very One who upholds all things so that reality itself can continue existing–
while also being wise to position and develop ourselves to obtain a good spouse (see the video resources of this post for introductory details on doing that)–
we actually become part of His plan to make the world a better place. By trusting God as the Giver of good gifts, we ourselves become smaller versions of good gift givers in the long run.
So, in all things, face the challenges of trepidation head on. Take the next step. Climb that mountain. Face the coming storm and sail the raging seas. And do so rightly (and always be aware of God’s abounding grace and mercy in Messiah Jesus for whenever you fail).
Trust God, the Giver of good gifts.
The Reasoner's Corner 
It’s definitely true that there’s lots of trepidation concerning romance and marriage. I’m sure lots of this is cultural, in part.
Arranged marriages used to be norm for a very long time in human history, in some way or other. In biblical times, you were betrothed at a young age. I doubt people fretted as much about “soulmates” or “The One” back then. With the onset of the modern dating scene, there’s much more freedom, and much more uncertainty.
It seems to me that there’s a balance to strike between trusting God and praying to Him on one hand, and taking action to make yourself ready for marriage and purposely looking for a potential partner on the other. Do you have any thoughts about that?
I know that’s a rather broad topic, haha. I was just curious.
LikeLike
Yeah.
Actually, arranged marriages as we think and as you described weren’t that common in the ancient world. It’s a misconception often projected onto that time by the misinformed. It’s a lot like how Little House on the Prairie makes people nostalgic for midwestern/western Americana…when it’s just a television show really reflecting values from the 1970s onto a matrix of cultural understanding based upon the earlier time period.
In a lot of the Bible, including most descriptions in the Torah where we see romance is actually described, the lovers actually have interest in one another and then court or betroth with the acceptance and consent of their broader familial members, especially the parents. The first instance we see this is when Isaac received Rebekah as a wife, but clearly Rebekah could have refused, and she was given the offer of marrying Isaac, which she accepted. That wasn’t really arranged in the sense that you laid out.
The next was Jacob and Rachel and Leah. And that situation was sticky, but clearly the sisters involved were interested in Jacob, which actually led to issues down the line continually for them.
The next is Dinah and Shechem, which, this author believes was not a case of rape but rather of premarital youthful sex (I have a blog briefly defending that position in “Never Hide from Critics” on linguistic and contextual grounds). That story reads more like a PCB teenage trip gone wrong, something that we wouldn’t expect if the strict code of arranged marriage were the norm.
Even in Ancient India, which existed in the region where eventually, possibly in the Middle Ages, there was such a strict caste system that the upper classes defaulted to arranged marriages as you described, there is explicit detail that definitely does not point to a society experiencing the arranged marriage structure that you described. See this video reciting the romance literature of the time for detail: https://youtu.be/Wmv9lIjsUIU?si=7Lsak8lguoynbfYA
I could keep going with David and Abigail, Ruth and Boaz, Samson and his unnamed Philistine wife, Esther and Xerxes, Moses and his Ethiopian second wife (along with his marriage to his first wife Zipporah who likely passed on beforehand) and so on. Really, if you want to see it that way, but there isn’t enough data to definitively argue for it, you could see the marriage of Joseph and Asenath as “arranged,” but there is enough suspicious detail about her father to even put that to suspicion.
Finally, in the one book of the Bible explicitly dedicated to the romance and sexual intimacy of marriage, including reminisces of the betrothal period by the married couple, Song of Songs, we do not see anything sparking the love other than the mutual interest of the lovers. But we definitely do see, with the background characters of the husband’s friends and the bride’s brothers a heavy influence upon their respective familial communities to approve of their courtship.
Basically, romance back then was very similar to today where it is expected that the in-laws and family support the marriage and even arrange and attend the wedding, but with a heavier emphasis upon the approval of the families themselves and the binding of the families together rather than the subtle shift (mostly in upperclass Western families, by the way, as in places such as the Deep South this isn’t the case altogether yet) of focus being more upon the married couple divorced from the concept of their union actually binding their families together.
But I wouldn’t trust ratio statistics for you. Sure, there tend to be slightly more women on the planet in general than men for numerous factors. And there are definitely more active Christian women in Church circles than there are men. But I’m a firm believer in sunny-side up and glass half full measures, and I believe the Bible sets us up with paradigms for what we are to expect.
God gives good gifts. And in the primal paradigm of marriage God went out of His way not only to plan to create us male and female, but to do so in a way that even in the Paradaisical setting of Paradise He gave us the example of the tense and patient yearning for that level of intimacy in Adam, and then formed the woman and brought the two together (or some may even say back together, but I leave that speculation alone here) so that we know that even our intense waiting and longing are part of the good nature for sexual intimacy that God has designed us to have for marriage as He created it to be.
So, in short, don’t trust the passé commentaries of many who say that ancient relations were all arranged marriages or even mostly arranged marriages. That’s false, unless they are talking most explicitly about political marriages between the most elite of human society such as kings and other dignitaries…and even at that level there were exceptions (see Esther and Xerxes).
Instead, and I’m glad to encourage you in this, do your part and trust God.
Finally, in regard to eunuchs made that way by humans, as you commented elsewhere, there was sadly the practice of creating eunuchs…which we may see in various ways in today’s society (such as the very sad and dangerous surgeries imposed upon children today suffering from gender dysmorphia). For them, there is no possibility of offspring, which is the core definition of eunuchism. This means a childless marriage, with the (true) understanding that marriage is designed also for children (though, do realize that marriage is also not the arrangement of children, but the union of husband and wife together, as Song of Songs never mentions children and not all of the sex displayed there between the lovers is of reproductive coitus, but I leave that for other Christian commentaries at the moment for you to explore).
For them, as Christ taught, if they can accept it, then marriage is not in their purview. But realize that in Christ’s teachings, as I pointed out in the blogs, that was 1) a sarcastic retort to His very young disciples who were complaining about how highly God regards marriage be the marriage vows, 2) a warning to the disciples to not take marriage vows lightly, and 3) a teaching for those who do not desire marriage and who “can accept” not having it and its intimacy in life.
Now, if you desire marriage, and you have not yet received it, then you are in the state of longing that even Adam experienced. That story is a grace to us to show us that it’s quite alright. We are not sinning to grieve, but with all afflictions we ought not let it to rule over us, as Cain did before he sinned and so he (as God had warned him) allowed himself to fall to sin and become a murderer (Hebrews 11:4 and 1 John 3:11-12).
Trust God to write your story and obey that trust by doing what He commands for the purposes of finding that good woman and being that good man for her. In the end, you will have done your duty and achieved the glory God has for you, no matter how your story turns out. Because these are the promises of the good God who loves you.
I’ve helped several folks in my life along the road to get married, some of whom I’m friends with today and I rejoice with them in how God has blessed them and their kids. It also comes with challenges and trials of its own, but none of them live in regret, having done things the divine way.
And for each of their stories, let me tell you something that they all reflect upon when we are together: a lot can change in a single year. They all had their Paradaisical periods of yearning, and even struggles with sexual urges contextual to that yearning.
But God provided. And He is the Giver of good gifts.
I myself abide in this hope personally, so I don’t tell you anything that I don’t currently live by.
I pray that helps.
LikeLike
Oh? That’s interesting.
I was under the impression that arranged marriages were the norm in ancient times (and in Israel), with parents choosing a bride for the groom, or at least having some involvement in doing so. Wasn’t it basically a family duty back then to keep the line going? Maybe it was just a misconception I had. Funny how influential some perceptions can be.
You mention that you’ve helped people in your life get married. That’s interesting. I like that! I love that sort of thing. A lot of times in Christian communities, when people express their longings, we often just give them platitudes about “God’s timing,” “trusting God,” “don’t worry about tomorrow,” etc., etc. Those things are always easier to say. It’s nice to have friends who’ll actually do something to practically help you achieve these things. That’s kinda awesome. I love true friends like that.
Are you still single, currently? I forget if any of your other posts mentioned this.
LikeLike
Well, I don’t want to get too personal here, but you can find answers to what you’re asking regarding language of God’s timing in the videos I posted at the end of the first blog in this series.
Yeah, I’m currently unmarried. I try not to be too personal, so that’s as far as I go there.
I can say of the friends I’ve helped, the situations varied. But common to a lot of it all was the confusing messaging on how to get married which the Church has put out for decades.
Like many things in life, the formula is quite simple, and that’s why folks can make it complex— if that makes sense (it should if you understood these blogs).
LikeLike